Thrive Beyond Trauma Counseling

37923 W 12 Mile Rd, Suite C · Farmington Hills, MI 48331

Phone: 248.392.3733 · Call, Text & WhatsApp: 248.378.4133 · Fax: 1-888-313-4538

Email: Info@thrivebeyondtraumacounseling.comWeb: http://thrivebeyondtraumacounseling.com

Partner Experience Questionnaire

This form is for you — the partner. There are no right or wrong answers here. You are not being evaluated. This questionnaire helps your therapist understand your experience, what you've lived through, and what you are still carrying. Take your time. Share only what feels right.

Practice: Thrive Beyond Trauma Counseling

Provider: Licensed Clinician

State: Michigan

Identification

About You

Your name*

Date*

His / her name*

Relationship status*

How long together?

Children together?

Section 1

Discovery: How You Found Out

1When did you first find out, or begin to seriously suspect, that something was wrong?

Approximate date or timeframe is fine.

2How did you find out?

I discovered it on my own (phone, computer, email, bank statements, something I found)He told me voluntarily, without being askedHe told me after I confronted him or asked directlySomeone else told me / I was informed by a third partyI had suspected for a long time before anything was confirmedIt came out during a crisis or breaking point in the relationship

Other

3In your own words, briefly describe what happened when you found out — what you discovered, what he said, and what that moment was like for you.

You don't need to include every detail. Share only what feels right.

4Has information come out in stages — where you received partial discovery first, and more came out later?

No — it was one discovery; I believe I received the full picture at onceYes — I received partial information first and more came out over timeYes — it has come out in layers and I'm not sure I have the full picture yetThe discovery is still unfolding

Section 2

What You Know: The Scope & Nature of His Behavior

This section helps us understand what has actually been going on — from your perspective. Partners often have a more accurate picture than what has been formally disclosed. Your observations matter clinically.

5What types of behavior have been confirmed, disclosed, or discovered?

Mark everything that applies — you do not need to go into detail here.

Pornography useCompulsive or secretive masturbationOnline sexual activity (chats, messaging, platforms, apps)Emotional affair or emotional intimacy with someone elsePhysical affair or sexual contact outside the relationshipUse of escorts, sex workers, or paid sexual servicesHidden or secret devices, accounts, apps, or email addressesFinancial secrecy or unexplained spending connected to his behaviorBehavior I have found but he has not acknowledged or explained

Other

6How long do you believe this behavior has been going on — based on what you've discovered, not just what he has admitted?

Less than a year1–3 years3–5 years5–10 yearsMore than 10 yearsPossibly the entire relationshipI'm not sure

If what he's admitted to is different from what you believe, describe the gap (optional)

7From what you have observed or discovered, does his behavior appear to have escalated over time — becoming more frequent, more hidden, or involving more risk?

Yes — I can clearly see it escalatedI think so, but I'm not certainIt seems to have stayed at a similar levelNo, it appeared consistentI don't have enough information to say

8Looking back, were there moments that felt off — things that didn't quite add up, or times you felt unsettled even if you couldn't explain why?

There are no right answers here. Many partners had strong instincts long before anything was confirmed. Others felt nothing unusual at all. Both are valid.

Yes — often. My gut was telling me something was wrong for a long timeYes — there were moments, but I explained them away or didn't have evidenceOccasionally — small things here and there that I noticed but didn't connectNo — things felt consistent; the discovery came as a complete shock

Optional: describe what you noticed, or what it was like to find out without warning

9Is there anything you have found or discovered that he has not acknowledged, explained, or addressed with you?

You do not need to go into detail. Just note whether this exists — and if you feel comfortable, describe it briefly.

No — everything I've found has been acknowledgedYes — there are things I've found that remain unexplainedSome things — partial acknowledgement only

If yes, briefly describe (optional)

10When you discovered or confronted him with something, did he continue to deny it — even when you had evidence?

Yes — he denied things even when I had clear evidence in front of himHe admitted only the minimum — whatever I could directly prove, nothing beyondSometimes — it depended on how much evidence I hadRarely — he generally admitted things when confrontedNo — he did not deny things when I brought them to him

11Have there been times when you had to gather proof or present evidence before he would finally admit the truth?

This is about whether the honesty came from him, or whether you had to work to extract it.

Yes — regularly. I had to come with proof before he would admit anythingYes — several times I had to show him what I found before he would acknowledge itOccasionally — a few timesNo — he admitted things without needing to be shown proof

Optional: describe what that was like for you

12When he did finally admit something, did he admit only what you could prove — or did he volunteer anything beyond that?

He admitted only exactly what I had evidence for — nothing moreMostly only what I could prove, with very little volunteeredHe sometimes admitted more than I could directly proveHe was honest beyond what I had proof of — he told me things I hadn't discovered yet

13How many times did this cycle happen — where you discovered something, he denied it, you had to prove it, and only then did he partially admit it?

Once — it happened one timeA few times (2–3)Several timesMany times — this was a repeated patternEvery single time something came to light — without exception

14After an admission — where he told you something — did you later discover there was still more he hadn't told you?

This pattern, where truth comes out in layers over time, has its own impact. Each new discovery can feel like a fresh betrayal.

Yes — this happened repeatedly. Every time I thought I had the full picture, there was moreYes — once or twice after an admission, I found out there was moreI'm not sure — I don't know if what I have now is completeNo — what he admitted has been consistent with what I've found

Optional: describe what it was like to keep discovering more

15Do you feel you now have a full and honest picture of what has been going on?

Yes — I believe I have the full pictureMostly — but there are still gapsNo — I feel I've only been given partial informationNo — I don't believe he has been fully honestI genuinely don't know what to believe anymore

Section 3

The Relationship Drift: What You May Have Noticed Over Time

Based on the Gottman–Rusbult–Glass research on relational erosion prior to betrayal. Looking back — even before discovery — many partners notice that something had been quietly shifting in the relationship long before anything came to light. This is not about blame. It is about helping you name what you were already living inside of. Mark anything that resonates, even if it felt subtle or you dismissed it at the time.

Mark anything that resonates from this list:

He seemed less emotionally available or "there for me" than he used to beEmotional distance grew between us in ways that were hard to put into wordsNegative interactions felt harder to recover from; things that used to resolve didn'tHe either blew up more easily or shut down and went silent — there was less middle groundHe avoided difficult conversations or seemed to suppress his actual feelingsHe became less open with me; things started to feel withheld or hiddenHe stopped reaching out to connect or check in the way he used toHe seemed to invest less in us; I felt increasingly alone even when we were togetherHe started confiding in others rather than in meHe was less willing to sacrifice or compromise; finding ways to meet his needs elsewhereHe focused more on my flaws; became more defensive when I raised concernsHe stopped noticing or acknowledging the good in me; criticism increasedI felt dismissed or disrespected; contempt crept in — eye-rolling, sarcasm, being talked down toI felt he spoke negatively about me to others; our shared story went negativeHe seemed to hold growing resentment and increasingly saw me as the problemI felt increasing loneliness; he seemed drawn toward other people or connections outside usPhysical or sexual intimacy changed — reduced, disconnected, or absentHe focused more on what was wrong with our relationship rather than what was workingNew friendships or connections appeared that felt unexplained, secretive, or offI felt a wall between us — he was more open with others than with meHe kept more and more things from me; deception seemed to increase graduallyIt became clear he was actively meeting emotional or physical needs outside our relationshipI now understand that real betrayal was unfolding during this time — even though I couldn't fully name it then

16When you look at this list, how far back do you think the drift actually started?

Within the last year1–3 years ago3–5 years agoMore than 5 years agoIt has felt this way for most or all of the relationshipI'm not sure

17Is there anything else you noticed during this time that isn't reflected above?

Section 4

How He Has Responded: Accountability, Blame & Self-Awareness

18How has he generally responded when you've tried to talk about what happened or how you're feeling?

Mostly open, present, and accountable — he stays in the conversationSometimes open, sometimes defensive or withdrawn — it depends on the dayMostly defensive, minimizing, or dismissiveHe shuts down, stonewalls, or physically leaves the conversationHe turns it around — the conversation ends up being about my reactions instead

19Has he taken responsibility for what happened?

Yes — fully and without conditionsPartially — but with justifications, context, or deflection attachedOn the surface — the words are there but it doesn't feel genuineNot really — only when pressed or confrontedNo — he has not taken meaningful responsibility

20Does he appear to genuinely understand the impact his behavior has had on you?

Yes — he seems to truly get itSomewhat — but only to a point; he hits a wall when it gets deeperHe can say the right words but I don't feel he really understandsNo — he seems unable or unwilling to sit with what this has done to me

21Does he appear to understand that he has a problem with compulsive or addictive behavior — separate from relationship issues?

Yes — he acknowledges it clearlySometimes — it comes and goes depending on how he's feelingHe minimizes it — he doesn't see it as a real problem or addictionHe frames it as a relationship problem rather than something about himHe denies it entirely

Blame, Displacement & Rationalization Patterns

In addiction, it is very common for the addict to unconsciously — or consciously — shift responsibility outward. The following ask whether you have experienced any of these patterns from him. These are clinically important observations.

BLAMING THE RELATIONSHIP

Has he suggested that his behavior was caused by or connected to problems in your relationship — such as conflict, disconnection, or unmet needs between you?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

BLAMING YOU DIRECTLY

Has he made comments that suggest his behavior was connected to something you did or didn't do — such as your availability, your intimacy, your reactions, or who you are?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

MINIMIZING

Has he minimized the seriousness of his behavior — saying things like "it's just porn," "it wasn't real," "I never physically did anything," or "everyone does this"?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

MAKING HIS RECOVERY ABOUT YOU

Has he placed conditions on his recovery that involve your behavior — suggesting he can only do the work if you are calmer, more supportive, less reactive, or more forgiving?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

DISPLACING — MAKING IT ABOUT YOUR ISSUES

Has he shifted focus to your past, your family history, your mental health, or your emotional responses — as a way of redirecting attention away from his behavior?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

RATIONALIZING

Has he offered justifications for his behavior that seem designed to make it seem more acceptable — such as stress, childhood, loneliness, or his sexual needs?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes (optional)

22Overall, what is your sense of where he currently is in terms of taking genuine ownership of his behavior?

Section 5

Gaslighting & Reality Distortion

Gaslighting happens when someone causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or reality. These patterns are common in addiction. Please indicate whether you have experienced any of the following — during the relationship or since discovery.

DENIAL

Does he deny that conversations or events happened — or insist they didn't happen the way you remember them?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

DISTRACTION & DEFLECTION

When you raise a concern, does he change the subject, bring up something unrelated, or turn the conversation back onto you?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

IGNORING & AVOIDANCE

Does he refuse to engage, go silent, or physically leave the room when you try to raise something important?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

MINIMIZATION

Does he make light of your pain — saying things like "you're overreacting," "it's not that big a deal," or "why can't you just move on"?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

PROJECTION

Does he accuse you of the very behaviors he is engaging in — suggesting you are the one hiding something, being dishonest, or causing problems?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

PUT-DOWNS & CREDIBILITY ATTACKS

Does he say things that make you doubt your memory, intelligence, emotional stability, or judgment — even in subtle ways?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

SABOTAGE

Has he done anything to undermine your credibility, your independence, or your ability to seek support — including with family, friends, or professionals?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

THREATS & PRESSURE

Has he threatened consequences to the relationship, the family, finances, or your wellbeing if you continue to ask questions or pursue support?

Yes, regularlySometimesNot at all

Notes / example (optional)

23Have there been times when you questioned your own perception — wondering if you were imagining things, being too sensitive, or making things up?

Yes, often — this has significantly affected how I trust myselfYes, sometimesOccasionallyNo

If you'd like to say more about this (optional)

Section 6

How Are You Doing?

24How has this been affecting you — in your daily life, your sense of self, or your ability to feel okay from day to day?

25Are you struggling in any area you'd want us to know about?

26Is there anything you need, or anything we might be able to help with?

Review & Sign

Consent & Signature

By completing this questionnaire, you are giving your therapist permission to use this information to guide your care. Everything shared here is confidential within the professional and legal limits that apply to all clinical work.

Client signature *

Sign here with your mouse or finger

Draw with your mouse or finger

Date

Therapist / Provider signature

Thrive Beyond Trauma Counseling·37923 W. 12 Mile Rd., Suite C, Farmington Hills, MI 48331·248-392-3733

Call, Text & WhatsApp: 248.378.4133 · Fax: 1-888-313-4538 · Info@thrivebeyondtraumacounseling.com